Thoughts, Loosely Held

These aren’t finished thoughts or final answers.
Just traces from a path I’ve been walking.
Sometimes we share the thought before the form, and that’s the point.

有话就说，有X就放

When “Like a Girl” Becomes a Compliment

-July 22th, 2025-

If I told a little girl, “You’re such a girl,” would she smile? And if I said the same to a little boy, “You’re like a girl”, how would he feel? When I was around ten, I would’ve taken it as a criticism. A boy, probably as an insult.Growing up, my dad used to praise me by saying I was “like a boy.”
He’d proudly tell people he was “raising me like a son.” I was proud of it too. It made me feel special, unlike other girls. But as I got older, I started questioning the meaning behind that compliment. Was I being praised because I wasn’t “too feminine”? Did being “like a girl” mean being weak, or not beautiful? Was “strength” somehow the opposite of “beauty”? To earn more praise, I began to distance myself from the idea of being a girl. Over time, I internalized a subtle kind of misogyny. But in a world that rewards masculinity and devalues femininity, who hasn’t learned to do the same?After all, these compliments and insults are not just about personality, they reflect a deep social structure.
“Like a boy” is seen as a good thing because it implies strength, logic, capability.
“Like a girl,” on the other hand, often implies weakness, emotion, passivity.
Words like “gentle” and “soft” rarely sound like compliments. But why shouldn’t girls be strong and capable too? Traits, whether viewed as strengths or flaws, shouldn’t belong to any one gender.I remember talking to a college-aged American boy who worked part-time at my shop. We were talking about a female coworker, and he said, “She’s stronger than me.” I was stunned. “Wait, are you serious?” I asked. “Is that a compliment or sarcasm?” I couldn’t imagine anyone calling a girl “strong” and meaning it in a good way. Where I came from, “strong” evoked images of someone bulky, unfeminine—something a woman would not want to be called. I even warned him, half-joking: “If you ever date a Chinese girl, don’t say she’s strong. Say she’s chubby or ‘a little round’—just not strong!” To me, “strong” meant big arms, thick waist, no elegance. He laughed and said, “In America, strong is totally a compliment. Girls love hearing that.” The next day, I asked the girl he was talking about how she felt when people called her strong. She lit up. “I like it!” she said, and even showed me pictures of her lifting weights at the gym. Only then did I start to understand: Here, a girl could embrace strength without giving up her femininity. And more importantly, a boy could admire a strong girl without feeling ashamed.One day, I hope parents can proudly say to their sons: “You’re just like a girl.” And more than anything, I hope that someday, “girl” and “boy” are no longer compliments or insults, just identities.

当“像女孩”成为夸奖，我们才算真正向前了一小步

当我对这一个女孩子说：”你真像女孩一样“，这个女孩子会高兴吗？那如果我对一个男孩说“你真是像个女孩子”，这个男孩又会怎么想呢？如果我是那个小女孩，在我10岁左右，我一定会认为这是在批评我。而男孩呢？大概会觉得是在骂他吧。小时候，我爸总表扬我“像男孩”，还常说拿我当儿子养。我曾一度洋洋自得，觉得自己与众不同。长大后慢慢觉出这里的味不对，难道我之所以被表扬，我之所以“好”是因为我不像女生？或者说我是缺乏“女性气质”，我是不美的不漂亮的，而“强”和“漂亮”是矛盾的。于是我为了得到更多的“表扬”，渐渐变得厌女。可在这样的社会规训中长大，谁还能不厌女呢？所以说，一个性别对另一个性别的拉踩和称赞，往往都隐藏着社会共识与权力结构。“像男孩”之所以是褒义词，因为这背后暗含的就是所谓的男性特质：强、理性、能干；而“像女孩”则是：柔弱、感性、温顺。“柔弱”和“温顺”，哪个听起来都不像好词。而女生却为什么不能是“强”和“能干”的呢？无论是优势还是劣势的形容词，都不该被性别所绑架。这让我想到几年前，那是我来美国已经有段时日了，有天和一个在我店里打工的，还在念大学的本地男孩聊天，说起店里另一个女同事，他说，他感觉那个女孩比他Strong。我一下就愣住了，我说啊？你真是这么认为吗？你是在说好话还是说反话？你怎么能形容一个女孩strong呢？说一个女孩“壮”诶！这还能是什么好词吗？然后我还给他解释了一堆，说什么如果你真想交中国女朋友，千万别说她“壮”，说她chubby说她胖胖的都行，可是“壮”，五大三粗膀大腰圆这种传统贬义词立马印在我眼前。然后他很平常的说，在美国，strong可是超级正面的词，女孩们都喜欢别人说她strong。隔天，我将信将疑的问那个女孩，如果别人说你“strong”，你的感受如何？她很开心，并且表示她确实比较strong还给我看她平时健身的照片什么的。后来我反复想了一下才明白，这背后的逻辑是，女孩在保留自己女性特质的情况下，是可以承认自己具有“男性气质”的。而这背后最关键的，男孩是可以不“strong”的，不“strong”的男孩也是可以坦然承认这一点的，看见比自己“strong”的女孩更是可以称赞仰慕的。我希望有一天，家长们可以夸自己家的男孩“像女孩”，而我更希望，无论女或男，都不再是形容词。

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What My Broken AC Taught Me About Money

-July 20th, 2025-

My car’s AC broke—AGAIN—right in the middle of a heatwave. I visited three repair shops, hoping to find the right balance of price and trust. In the end, I returned to a place I had visited over a year ago—the same one that once quoted me $2800. Back then, I thought it was too much. I found another shop, paid $2000, and hoped for the best. This time, after more inspections and another round of repairs, I spent about $1500 more. In total, I paid more than I would have if I’d just gone with the original quote. It was a frustrating, humbling reminder: some costs don’t go away just because we avoid them. Sometimes, we end up paying more—just slowly, and with extra stress.That realization nudged something deeper. I’ve always thought I was being careful with money—saving where I could, avoiding debt, thinking twice before spending. But maybe that wasn’t the same as being financially prepared. For most of my life, “investing” felt like a world I didn’t belong to. I assumed it meant stocks, charts, and risk—something for experts or people with money to spare. I stuck to saving and hoped that was enough. But this unexpected expense finally pushed me to face the basics. I started looking into things I’d heard of but never understood: CDs, T-Bills, HYSA, Roth IRA. I realized financial tools aren’t just for rich people or risk-takers—they’re also for people like me, who just want to build stability from where we are.I’m starting slow, on purpose. I’m choosing safer options not because I’m afraid, but because I want to learn through action. One small step at a time.This whole thing wasn’t just about fixing a car. It was about shifting the way I deal with uncertainty. I used to think avoiding complexity would keep me safe. Now I see that learning—even slowly—is the only real safety net I have.Some lessons cost money. Others cost time. This one cost both. But it also gave me something worth holding onto: the courage to stop avoiding, and the clarity to begin.

起初只是车载空调又坏了，正值酷暑，我辗转三家修理行，最后还是回到了那家一年前因为报价太高而放弃的店。今年前后又花了1500美元，加上去年的2000元，结果比当初拒绝的2800还贵。那一刻我才明白，有些钱不是不花就能省下来的，推迟不等于避免，很多时候反而要付出更大的代价。也是从这里开始，我终于意识到自己对“钱的知识”其实远远不够。借着这次突如其来的支出，我开始真正接触理财。在 ChatGPT 的帮助下，我慢慢理解了几个曾经只听过名字的词：CD（定期存款）、HYSA（高收益储蓄账户）、T-Bill（国库券）、Roth IRA（罗斯退休账户）……原来理财并不只是炒股和风险，它也可以是稳定、有节奏的积累。我选择从保守投资开始，在行动中学习，在学习中积累信心。我发现：并不是所有问题都需要立刻解决，但我们总可以选择开始理解。比起一味“省钱”，我更希望自己能在未来的每一个决定里，多一点清醒与准备。

Things Break, Even When We Try

-July 10th, 2025-

My car’s A/C just stopped working again. It was fully repaired last year, the evaporator core had to be replaced, and it wasn’t cheap. I did my homework, compared 3 shops, and picked the one that felt the most professional. They assured me the compressor was fine. I believed them.And for a while, the cold air came back. Not perfect—hot days still pushed it to its limit—but it worked. Until two nights ago, when it suddenly stopped cooling altogether.I brought the car back to the same shop. They haven’t finished the diagnosis yet, but it’s likely the compressor. It always was the other thing I was worried about.The frustrating part isn’t just the cost, or the inconvenience. It’s that I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. I made the effort. I took it seriously. And things still broke.Maybe the compressor really didn’t show signs of failure last year. Maybe they missed it. Maybe they knew and figured it was easier to get me to fix the cheaper part first. I don’t know. And maybe it doesn’t matter.Because even if I had known both the evaporator and compressor were on their last legs, maybe I would’ve sold the car then. But that was a year ago. Now the car is still with me, and whether I keep it or let it go is another story entirely.The truth is: we don’t always know what the “better” decision is. We just know what we knew at the time, and what we chose based on that. Sometimes things turn out okay. Sometimes they don’t. Most times, they’re just... uncertain.So I wait for tomorrow’s verdict. And I prepare to meet it with as much steadiness as I can manage. Fix it or sell it, either way, the world moves forward. So do I.

我的车空调又坏了。去年才刚修过，当时被告知压缩机没问题，我也信了。这一年里她勉强撑着，直到前几天突然彻底不制冷了。车又送回原来的修理厂，还在等结果。最让人沮丧的不是修车本身，而是明明已经做了功课，做了决定，做了努力，事情还是没能按期望发展。也许是判断失误，也许是本就无从判断。人生很多决定都是如此：当下做了选择，一年后再回头看，好坏也说不清了。只能继续等，继续走。

Almost There: Notes from the Building Process

-July 4th, 2025-

This site has been a long time coming, and a learning curve all the way through.I started working on it in mid-June, with only a vague idea of how I wanted things to look and feel, and little knowledge of how Carrd actually works. Along the way, I’ve wrestled with layout constraints, struggled with spacing, bumped into unexpected limitations, and gone back and forth (more times than I can count) on colors, fonts, image sizes, and wording.Some features just couldn’t be implemented the way I imagined. Others had to be rebuilt from scratch. But gradually, piece by piece, it came together.By now, I’ve completed the homepage, the About page, five sets of themed product pages, a gallery of photo work, and a structure for story archives. I’ve also reactivated 20 Etsy listings and linked them back to this site. What’s left is just fine-tuning: visuals, animations, font choices.Fittingly, it’s July 4th today, a day that marks independence, beginnings, and declarations. This may not be a revolution, but it is a kind of becoming.It’s not perfect—and maybe never will be—but the structure feels solid now. The process was messy, but the progress is real. And that’s enough for now.This marks my first little entry here. I expect there’ll be more.

这个网站大约从 6 月中旬开始动工，一路走来确实不算轻松。从一开始对 Carrd 的功能一无所知，到逐步摸索出结构、调试排版、试错配色、推敲每一句文案，中间遇到的阻力不计其数。有些功能无法实现，只能重新构思；有些细节调了又调，仍旧不满意。但庆幸的是，没有停下。到现在，首页、About、五组主题产品页、摄影作品展示、故事归档结构都已初步完成，还重新整理并链接了 Etsy 的二十个商品列表。今天是 7 月 4 日，对这个网站来说，也是一个值得纪念的日子，虽然还有收尾工作，但也可以被人看见了。希望这是一个半新的开始。

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Things You Can Wear

These are designs drawn from things I felt.
They reflect things I care about.
If one feels right to you, I’d be glad to share it.

你看见的，也正是我想表达的

Presence Matters

No slogan. No script.
Just a decision to be there.
Turns out, that’s where it starts.

不在照片里，就在人群中

Anna Eskamani canvassing

-July 12th, 2025-

-July 5th, 2025-

-June 21st, 2025-

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Made You Look

I’ve made designs for people I love, people I just met, and people who simply asked.
Some were gifts, some were group orders, and some just felt too fun not to print.
Designing with someone in mind makes it even more worth doing, so yes, I do customs.

欢迎来找我聊聊定制，我会认真对待每一个灵感

The Way I Saw You

Faces I’ve known, places I’ve passed.
A glance, a gesture, a glow in the light.
Sometimes it’s a moment shared. Sometimes, just something I caught in stillness.
If you're hoping to be seen, I’d be honored to notice

在光影里看见你，拍下的也不止是你

As They Were

These portraits were made together through conversation, light, and trust.
Each frame is a quiet collaboration: a pose, a pause, a shared breath.
I tried to see not just how someone looks, but how they feel in that moment.

那一刻的他们

As It Was

These are fragments of stillness, places I passed, moments that lingered.
Some were far from home, some just across the street.
I never went looking for them, but sometimes the light turned and asked to be seen.

光照到了，我刚好在

Where This Started.

After moving to the U.S., I realized how expensive it was to hire help, even for basic repairs. I’ve always been curious about how things work, and I’d try to fix simple things myself. But I’m far from being a handyman.When I began shaping my brand, I knew I needed to narrow down my focus. I asked myself: if there’s such a thing as a handyman, why not a handywoman?Turns out they exist, but are still in the minority. That gap spoke to me. Both from a commercial angle (less competition) and a feminist one (more representation).So I started here: with small designs for women who fix, build, patch, carry, wire, lift, hammer, and hustle.For those who fix things—tools, thoughts, futures—with their own hands.

日常即立场，选择即声明

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• Why " White Watermelon"?

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Contact

Got a thought, question, or collaboration idea?
Whether it's about a shirt you saw, a story you felt, or something you'd like to build together—I'm all ears.Drop me a message below. I read everything, even if I don't always reply right away.

有事请说，有感也欢迎说

Thank you

Your message has landed—gently, and exactly where it should.
I’ll read it with care. In the meantime, thank you for showing up.

愿每一份表达，都能被听见。

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Why “White Watermelon”?

I once saw a joke online: If you’re struggling to name your band, just combine the color of your underwear with your favorite fruit.
I never had a band, but the formula stuck with me.When I decided to start this project, I didn’t want to get stuck on the name. I wanted to get started.
So White Watermelon it was.Strange? Maybe. But it reminds me to begin, not perfect.
To play, not posture.
To just do the thing.

不为完美，只为开始

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